Chuck vs Worlds Apart
by Nerdette-AllivarT
Summary: What if Sarah's memory isn't recovering as what Chuck expects it to be? What will she do and what will happen to him?
1. It's Over

I'm back. Just can't help not to write again. I decided to do some sort of POV versions for Chuck and Sarah and I'll see where this story goes. I will credit The Vow for putting this idea into my battered brain.(:

P.S. "Happily Ever Afters" are not my cup of tea but I always give my readers a satisfying ending..

But don't judge the first chapter by its ending.

Again, I don't own _Chuck_ Bartowski.

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><p><strong>It's Over<strong>

Sarah's POV

I'm beaten. I'm bruised. It was a tough mission and fortunately I got one lucky day to have survived it. My cuts deeply hurt. My right eye is a bit swollen while my upper lip is bleeding. But it doesn't matter because Chuck is treating me right now. I just got home at 1 a.m. I tried my best not to wake him when I entered our room. He was sleeping on the couch probably waiting for me. But for some of his spy instincts too, he woke up. So here I am sitting on our bed and he's doing everything he can to keep me from cut pains. I can sense his worry over me. He doesn't say anything. He doesn't even ask. He doesn't even look me in the eye. I know why, because I can't even do the same for him. Whenever I look into those chocolate eyes all I see are brokenness, pain and love. I can tell that he is hurting but he doesn't show or say me that. He doesn't have to because his eye speaks volumes of emotions that I couldn't just even take all in.

It's been seven months since the kiss on the beach. Seven months and I still can't remember exactly everything for the last five years. Seven months that I've been going in and out for missions. Seven months that we lived like this and seven months that I haven't seen him smile or him do the Bartowski eyebrow dance. Wait. Bartowski eyebrow dance? I think I remember something. But all in all for seven months is just like there is nothing has changed for both of us. I'm still not me. I'm still not the Sarah who he keeps telling me. I'm still that spy I'm used to be. I'm still the CIA's top agent and I just can't let go of that. Believe me, I like the life he's showing me. It seems comfortable. No. It seems normal. Well, more than that. It feels like home. But I'm afraid to accept it. I'm afraid to embrace it all for I may like it too well that I in one moment won't be the spy that I should be. After all, this is all I know and this is the only thing I'm good at.

Today, I feel the need to better end this. I feel that he deserves better than me. I'm not even sure who that Sarah Walker he fell in love with and I can't stand to see him in pain every day. Sure, I think I'm falling for him but it's always been the cardinal rule that spies are not allowed to fall in love. I even wonder how we became a couple knowing he is my asset and I'm bound to protect him while burn him in the end. But maybe, just maybe he did something or maybe because he is Chuck that is why I fell in love with him like how I'm falling for him now. But I can't do this to him. I can't be that wife he wants or has known to be. Most of all, I can't see him like this. I can't keep his hopes high and I can't stand to look into his eyes and see the longing within. And so I have to do what I must do to save him but most to protect me from getting vulnerable.

Gathering all the strength that I have left, I took the deepest breath and inhaled what little air my lungs need to have the courage to tell him the words I know that will all the more hurt him. I don't know how will he take it but knowing Chuck, he'll probably understand it. Probably understand our situation and probably understand me. This life and all that I am is all that I ever have so before I destroy him and before I destroy me, I have to start with this. _"Chuck". _I calmly called his attention and there again his eyes look straight into mine. Instead of looking back, I gaze down on his lips so I'll be able to say and do this. And with all bravery mustered up, I let the words fell out of my lips like a hammer that just pounced on my chest telling him _"I want a divorce"._

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><p>Thanks for reading. Should I continue or should I not? Depends on my free time and your reviews.<p> 


	2. Not Yet

Here is chapter 2 as promised. Thanks for all the reviews I'm getting. It encouraged me to keep this story going though I myself don't know where this is actually going. (lol).

NBC owns _Chuck_ though I wished he could have be mine.

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><p><strong>Not Yet<strong>

Chuck's POV

"_I want a divorce". _ Sarah told me.

I didn't move and I didn't react. I just don't know what to say or tell her. I've never expected those words coming out from her lips. I thought all is perfect between us. I thought that after we've been through and what I've showed her for the past seven months, everything will going to fall back on its place. I thought that…well…again, those are just my thoughts. I'd like to ask her why. I'd like to know why and I'd like to ask myself why too. Somewhere along those lines that she wanted, I knew that it's not something I should have the right to ask for because how painful it is to believe, how painful it is to accept and how painful it is to repeat those words I know deep down is true that "My wife never came home".

I dropped the band-aid wrapper on the side of the table and took one last look at her cut. I stood up and sighed for the first time like I never had. It was not sigh of relief but a sigh of pretense to hide the tears that's about to fall out of eyes. I have to be strong. I have to take this like a man and I have to accept the fact about our whole relationship. Still, I'm Chuck Bartowski. I'm just me and no matter how hard I try to hide so she can be okay while thinking I'm okay, I can't. So I let the tears fall. I let them fall and all the while swallowing the lump forming on my throat I asked her _"Are you sure?"_

And just like me, she didn't say a word. She didn't even for one moment dare open her mouth to tell me she is. Her nod already said it all. And I nodded too feeling like I'm agreeing to something I can't completely comprehend. I gave everything I could in the last seven months. I didn't demand anything from her because I believe that in time she will love me not because she has too but because I'm her Chuck and always be her Chuck. I never even acted to be the charming Charles Carmichael or Chuck Bartowski the Lord of the nerds. Everything I am for her was just all about me. No covers. No lies. No guns. Just me, the guy she fell in love with. But it seems that it's true. Just because it worked in the past doesn't mean it can work again. And it didn't work. I didn't work. Our relationship never worked at all for these months passed. And though no matter how reality shoved it right into my face that we didn't work, I know and hopefully she knew that I gave the best of me all for her.

Watching her slowly lowering down her back to the bed signaling about to sleep, I immediately pulled the covers on her feet and gently put on the blanket to keep her warm tonight knowing she can't have her feet placed over mine since I'm heading back to the guest room. I don't sleep in our room anymore ever since she came back with no memory of me and us for the last five years. I don't even get to sleep much for the time being. Who needs sleeping when the very person you dream in your dreams is just within your reach and you can't do a single thing about it because all you had is still just a dream. And to love the dream you can't have is not a dream but a nightmare. So I'm not sleeping. Not for a very long time until this is over.

But my love will never be over nor will it end. I love her. I love Sarah and I may have been the type who believes that if you love someone, you let them go to make them happy then I think it's about to change. Letting her go won't mean she'll be happy because I know and she knows though she doesn't realize it yet that I'm the one who can only make her happy. So I'll have to stand my ground on this. I'm not gonna let her walk away from me, from us just because she wants too. I'm her Chuck, memories or not. I have to make her see it. I have to break the walls down. If it can't be done then who says I can't climb over it. I'm going to fight for her, fight for us because I'm a spy and fighting to save the woman that I love is what I can do better other than just fighting to save the world.

So with a little bit of unease and slight hesitation of doing something new to me, I reach out and hold her left hand as my attention gently caught our wedding bands that glitter into the light coming from the lamp gesturing me that it's indeed worth fighting for. I smiled at the thought and then I lightly squeezed her hand and said _"I love you. Always will and always have but this time I may let you go but it doesn't mean I'm not going down without a fight even if I know I'm the only one fighting for us. So I will give you time to think. I will give you time to change your mind because I still believe that somehow in that heart of yours, you do love me too."_ And as if all the blood has been sucked out my body for telling her the words I for one didn't expect to say, I kissed her hand and gradually let it go. I immediately turned my face away from her and walked closer to the door. I didn't see her face nor did know her reaction but before this exhausting day comes to an end, I switch off the lights and in the dark whispered to her _"Good night"._

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><p>I'm done with the whole Chuck "letting go" so I made a little bit of twist and hopefully from here I can come up with something that will still keep you and me interested to. Thanks for reading and don't forget to give your reviews.<p> 


	3. Going Ahead

A/N: I definitely know where this story is going and I'm glad to have this chapter written in a day when my desk is stacked with paperworks. Who says I can't have a break? So here is the 3rd chapter delivered right at your pc. Thank you for all the reviews you have given me by the way. Love them all. Good and Bad.

Again, I don't own Chuck.

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><p><strong>Going Ahead<strong>

Sarah's POV

"_I love you. Always will and always have but this time I may let you go but it doesn't mean I'm not going down without a fight even if I know I'm the only one fighting for us. So I will give you time to think. I will give you time to change your mind because I still believe that somehow in that heart of yours, you do love me too."_ Chuck said before he turned off the lights.

His words hit me hard. I didn't expect to hear it from him. No. I didn't anticipate seeing his other side. That was something I've never expected from him. It's as if the one who just uttered those words did not come from Chuck. He's different. He changed or maybe he's finally had enough of me.

As the darkness looms the room and I'm left alone in thoughts of what just transpired, I feel scared. Sarah Walker the ultimate spy is afraid. How could not I? Chuck just bares his heart out not wanting to let me go. Actually, he will let me go but he won't give up until there is nothing more left of him to hold unto me. I guess that's enough for me to be scared. Never in my life had anyone done that for me or never had been there any man who loved me the way he is. He's special. He is something. He's all that I am not. And mostly, he remembers and I don't. And that made me wanting to run and never look back.

Options on what's my next step juggle on my mind as I toss and turn on our bed. Our bed. But he's not sleeping here with me. He should be here lying beside me and placing his feet over mine to keep me from cold. I should stop wishing and dreaming him to be here with me because after all, it was me who gave him no choice but to be on the guest room. This is really going overboard. I feel like a needy love crazed girl on a husband hunt. Did I just think those words? They sound familiar and mostly, my feelings are familiar. This can't be. I have to leave. It's eating me up and it can ruin my spy senses or whatever spy I have been over the past years.

So instead of taking the much needed sleep after the death defying mission, I threw the blanket off that covered my bruised body and stood up. I searched for the switch in the dark and turned the lights on. When the light finally illuminated the room, I looked for my suitcase and started packing. One by one I detached my clothes hanging on the closet and I took a pause at the sudden sparkle of one word. _Home._ Home? I never had one. _You are my Home Chuck, you always have been._ Oh I know why I never had one because there is only one Chuck in my life. He is my home. My home? I have a home? Now I really have to get out of here as fast as I could before I ruin him. I'm not who I'm used to be and home or not, I'm a spy. Spies don't have homes and this scares me even more. This is not my 'normal' or maybe because I am not at all normal. _"And as amazing as you are Sarah Walker, we both know that you will never be normal"._ That's it. I remember Chuck telling me those words and as if while remembering I still feel the pain of his words. So yes, he's right I will never be normal and even if he's my home I don't know if he feels the same way for me.

But I have to remind myself once again that he loves me. I may not be the home like the way I'm feeling for him because if there is one thing I'm sure of from the words he spoke, I'm not just his home. I'm his life. For heaven's sake, he took a shot for me. That explains it all. That Chuck Bartowski loves me more than life itself and I Sarah Walker for the second time, don't know what to do about it.

So I have to leave. I have to find myself. I need to find his Sarah. But I can't do that when I'm tied up to him. I can't when all I think about is him. I can't when we're together because no matter how much I want to find me, I still have that nagging sense that the "Sarah" five years ago is a lot better than the Sarah he knew or maybe that is just how I want it to be because like I said I'm afraid. Not afraid of him but more afraid of me. Because no matter how secure I am with him, I still don't want to lose the "me" I'm used to be.

I finally finished packing my things. There's not that much given I'm a spy. And after checking that all the things I have packed are already on my suitcase, I slowly closed the door to our bedroom wishing he couldn't hear me. Just when I'm about to head out, I decided to take one last look at him on the guest room. I assured that my steps were lighter as I walked to his room. I gently turned the knob and saw him lying on his side away from the door with the blanket tucked in his entire body. I smiled at the scene and walked closer to him. I took a peek at his eyes to be sure he's sleeping and as if this is the last time I'm ever going to see him, I unconsciously touched his hair with my right hand and slowly leaned my lips to kiss his cheek.

He stirred and I immediately withdraw my hand. Thankfully, it didn't wake him up but he just moved a little of his arm on the side while mumbling something I can't understand. And as I realized that I've been taking too much time, I then did what I've always wanted to do ever since I came back tonight and so I left the paper at the side table and hurriedly walked back to the door and before his view fade into the blackness of the room, I whispered _"I'm sorry, Chuck"._ Then I closed the door and headed out of the apartment without even daring to look back.

And back in the guest room, he opened his eyes knowing that she had eventually left. He switches on the lamp and took the paper perfectly lying on the table and read it. And as dawn slowly breaks into sky welcoming the forthcoming new day, he folded the paper and wiped the lone tear that escaped his eye deciding that this is the last time he will ever cry his last for her.

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><p>It's a little uncertain as to what Chuck really meant about 'crying his last" but you will know all about it on the next update. I promise that you will like the new him (fingers crossed). How do you take this chapter by the way? Please leave your reviews and thank you for reading.<p> 


	4. Going After Her

I've been busy. But I still get to finish chapter 4 which I tried to make it a little bit longer for the obvious reason that my updates are going to take a while from now on. Enjoy and have fun reading.

Disclaimer: I don't own **Chuck** because if I do….Sarah Walker will definitely be pissed.

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><p><strong>Going After Her<strong>

I waited for the sunrise to eventually settle in before I started getting dressed. I didn't go back to sleep after reading and seeing what Sarah has left for me. Had it not been for the little amount of hope that I have, I will definitely tear and burn this crap. Our marriage is not a just a piece of contract. It's a covenant we both made and a commitment we both wish to fulfill. Her memories may have been wiped out but for better and now more than ever for worse, I'm going to honor the vow I made on that altar. Not because I have to but because I love her. Simple. No buts. No whys. No whatever. I love her and she's gonna have to deal with it no matter how far she will push me away. Like I said, she maybe the best spy but I'm Chuck Bartowski and it's not like she's out of my league.

While putting on my chucks, I pondered as to where she could be. Where could she have gone and where will she hide to keep bringing up her walls once again. Then as if I've thought about this a thousand, the answer came immediately into mind. There is only one place will she find herself secure, safe or let me rephrase that: One place where she feels secure, feels safe but deep inside lonely. So I grabbed my nerd herd keys and went out to hit the road leading to her hoping she is where I know in my heart she will be. I have to believe my heart because our brain only screws things up or maybe… this is just what I really want to believe at the moment.

It's been awhile since I've driven to this familiar road. It's been two years since I've last seen this empty street leading to her apartment. Her apartment. There is no other place she could else be than going back to the only thing she knows she feels safe. Safe but not home.

As I got closer, I pulled the car to the side and turned off the engines but before I got out of the nerdherder, I tightly clenched my hands at the wheels feeling that I need more than an ounce of energy to face her. Thank God, I have the Intersect because I can't take another blow from her. Not today because this time, I'm going to fight for what I know is mine. I took the divorce paper tucked on my back and got out of the car. And as if time is of the essence, I walked hurriedly inside putting on that pretend stoic look wondering how long I could hold on playing the look which I completely think is ridiculous but necessary.

The elevator door to her room floor level finally opened and I slowly stepped out of it. I walked towards her room overwhelmed by the feeling of uncertainty yet with full of determination. I reached the door to her room and took a pause then inhaled what little air there is left into the area then I gently knocked at the door. First knock and came no answer. I tried to knock for the second time but before my fist could hit the door, her gorgeous face greeted me as she opens the door. Unconsciously, I smiled then realizing that I have to maintain a spy like act, I cleared my throat and put on that poker face. Well, not poker but just enough to hide my emotions only for a little while. Just for a little while.

Her reaction was a little bit surprised at my presence and as if she doesn't know what to tell me so I took the liberty to talk first.

"_Can I come in?"_ I asked her while keeping that pretend stoic look.

"_Uh. Sure."_ She replied ushering me inside.

"_Did I wake you up?" _It was stupid of me to ask while obviously seeing that her eyes were blood shot red from the sleep.

"_Kinda. But it's okay I got a pretty good rest a while back"._ She replied while sitting on the bed.

Sensing the uneasiness of the atmosphere I grab a chair, pulled it closer toward her and sat on it while leveling my eyes to her eyes. _Eyes to eyes. What a lousy move Chuck!_ I thought. But eyes are the passage to our soul. If I can't read her face then maybe I can with her eyes so yes. _Eyes to eyes. _

"_I don't really wanna bother you but we both know why I am here. For this."_ I raised the divorce paper and handing it back to her.

"_I can't, I don't and I won't so keep it"_ I continued.

"_I know that I should better hear your side of the story but Sarah, I don't have to because_

_I know where this is going and I'm not going to give up on us."_ I finished. And in the silence I waited for her response.

"_Chuck, I won't, I don't and I really can't do this anymore. I don't want to hurt you. You are such a great guy and I don't blame you for that but it's just me who is the problem. Me and my memories of us."_ Sarah softy replied while hiding her emotions but her eyes speaks it all.

"_But we don't have to end_ _us. Let us both face this. You and me. Your memories may have been wiped out but mine is still up here (pointing to my head) and especially down here (pointing to my heart). _I firmly stated.

She lowered her gaze on the floor and I can sense that she doesn't know what to do or say at the moment so I continued.

"_Okay, I admit that I've been a little aggressive about you getting your memories and I went all out in every date, every walk on the beach, every movie marathon and every duck hunt moments with you though I always won, thanks to the Intersect". _

I let out a grin saying about the last words and she smiled back at me like she used to when I tell her about my stupid jokes. Realizing that I look like a fool, I immediately wipe the stupid grin and with a serious tone continued to lay down my plan.

"_Look, the point is, it was never all normal, only for me but not for you so if you give us a chance, if you give me another chance to trust me again, we will try living the normal you."_

It was evident on Sarah's face that she's confused about the whole thing I just told her. She raised an eyebrow and with a questioning look she replied,

"_The normal me? I don't even consider myself normal let alone we live and you try to live with the normal me? I don't know what it means but please do care to elaborate._

"_Here's the thing. Give me one month to change your mind. Give me one month to open yourself to me. Give me one month to allow yourself to live the life we lived before. And since you are a spy, one of the best per se, give me one month to live that life together with you. Let's go back to spying, let's do things that makes you comfortable. Let's do things that you feel like you know you want to do. Everything. Quit the CIA and let's continue on our own. Carmichael Industries. The Buy More. Orange Orange. Me the Nerdherd Supervisor and you The Yogurt Girl. Let's keep it that way. Your way, whatever makes you normal. And…" _ I took a pause on the next thing I'm about to say knowing it hurts but I have to do this for me and for her. _"you can stay here in your apartment if it feels normal for you."_

After telling her what I wanted for us to do, I waited for her response and no words came out of her lips. I searched her eyes and she looked away then with time hanging for too long she spoke.

"_You really wanna do this?"_ She asked me while looking outside her window deep in thought.

"_Uhm."_ It's all I could come up.

"_I'm not sure."_She paused and continued _"But I think that you are maybe right. I like your plan and I'm going to trust you again on this"_ She smiled and reverted her gaze into my face.

"_For all you've been through and all that you said we've been through, I feel like we deserve a month."_ She continued. _"But what happens after one month? What if my memories won't comeback?"_

"_I never asked for your memories to comeback but what I asked is to open yourself about me and about us, memories or not. That at the end of one month when it is all over you will realize that I'm that guy. That I'm your Chuck and that you could actually fall in love with a nerd like me while living the normal life. The normal you."_ I finished with more determination than I ever had hoping she knows what I'm trying to do about our whole situation.

"_But…what if it doesn't happen in one month? What if I realized that I can't love you or worse I don't love you? Sorry about…"_

"_Then I will let you go"_ I ended the sentence for her knowing she's having trouble sharing her emotions. I should have known better and I meant every word I said though deep within me is still hoping it won't come to that. But if it doesn't then yes, 'I will let her go'.

"_Chuck, this isn't easy for me and I know that this is more difficult for you. But why do this? Why, when all is uncertain. Why, when I could end up breaking you. Why, when you can have a life to live normally with someone who deserves you? _She asked me with a comforting tone as if to clear my mind on what I'm about to get myself into.

"_I have to do this because Sarah"._ I paused and pushed myself up to stand and firmly added _"I love you"._

She didn't say a word and for what seems to be and endless time she just nodded realizing that I'm never going to give up. I walked back to the door of her room sensing she needs time for herself to let things sink in. And before I finally have to leave, I decided to do the first thing on the first day of our 'one month'.

"_Hey Sarah. I flashed on a customer yesterday and he's name is Yokuo Bai. He's an American-Japanese steel magnate. But it seems there is more to what he does other than producing steel like arms trafficking and illegal nuclear bomb disposal which I don't even know what the latter means. He had some computer issues so I …anyway…bottom line is.." _ Oh no I'm rambling again. I know it. I just have to stay cool. _Act like a spy and don't get nervous about making your first move_. I told myself. _"is he's going to make a deal tonight with someone whom we need to find out who and we will just have to figure out the rest. I've talked with General Beckman last night and it looks like the CIA is our first client as Carmichael Industries resumes its operation."_

"_That's a good start .But can we have our mission briefing later because I'm just gonna have to take few naps to get back in full strength?"_ She asked with a mix of excitement and exhaustion on her voice.

"_Oh yeah. Sorry. I forgot you didn't get much sleep. Just so you know, you can actually sleep tonight. It'll be more of a stakeout but there is one thing I'd like to ask you though?_

"_Yeah. What is it?" _

"_I know it's a mission and well, just to start our first day of the "one month", I would like to ask you for the second first time stakeout date?"_ I nervously asked her hoping she will take this as something more of a submission to have fun with while on an actual mission.

"_Sure. Never had one though maybe we had back then"_ She replied smiling at me.

"_Great". _ I mused and clasped my hands in excitement. _"I'll pick you up later at 6pm so we could just both go to Castle. And if it's not a lot to ask, how would you like to have sizzling shrimp for a 'stakeout-date dinner"?_

"_Hmmm…Sounds good and I think I like it"_ She warmly beamed at me knowing in myself "Operation Bartowski: Mission 2" is at work.

I then said goodbye to her and I went home with a feeling of confidence that this will turn out in the best possible way I could imagine but no matter how hard I try to convince myself, I still can't keep putting aside my doubts as to where this leads us in the end. I just hope that fate will magically works its way in us and especially in Sarah's heart to spark what's already been in there. And that is something I still need to work on.

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><p>Please excuse my grammar, spelling and any omissions. I wrote this at 1:30 AM and the fact that English is just my 3rd language.<p>

Ok. So what do you think of this chapter? Please leave your reviews and thanks for reading. I'm off to bed. Gnyt.


	5. On Sarah's Standpoint

I'm back from the dead. Yeah right. Still here. Just in case my story has been forgotten. I had a busy week and still a busier week ahead of me. But thankfully, I get to write this chapter. Since this story is about Chuck and Sarah's POV then this will take a longer time to be completed. Every chapter will be a shift of POV's for both characters. I have to tell you that it is not easy to write because in all honesty, I always look things on Chuck's side. Maybe because I like Chuck more than any character on Chuck. Anyway, even if Chuck has my heart, Sarah still deserves to have her side of the story so hope you enjoy this chapter though I find it a bit boring.

Again, I don't own _Chuck_ because he's not a property. He's a fictional character which by the way owned by Sarah Walker-Bartowski.

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><p><strong>On Sarah's Standpoint<strong>

It's past 7am and I'm here still lying in bed as I watched the sunrise peaked through my window. New day. New morning. New Sarah Walker. No. Just another day. Just one chance. Just one enough reason to escape from here. My feelings are a mess and I couldn't understand myself. I should be. I should know better because after all, it was I who left him.

Leaving Chuck had never been easy and worse that I left him with a piece of our divorce paper. Leaving him felt like I lost all energy to go on for the day. I don't know. I've never felt this way and it seems strange that Sarah Walker is supposed to be used in leaving people behind. Oh come on. _"He's not just some people, he's your husband."_ My husband. Yes. Now soon to be Ex-husband. I just really can't do this. Everything felt right with both of us but still, everything felt wrong with me. How can it be that I get to fall in love with someone 'all over again' yet I feel different? Is this what love does? I can't even describe love let alone falling in love. Maybe he got me soft these past few months. That's what Casey told me. Chuck got us soft. So maybe, just maybe I'm soft but not in love. But I hope I'm right about what I'm feeling because no matter how I want to deny it, Chuck Bartowski is something. He's special and he's not just someone who can make anyone soft. He makes anyone fall in love with him naturally in his own nerdy way and soft or not, I perhaps do love him.

Just thinking about what I did and what happened to us while even visioning what will happen to him pool my eyes with tears. I cried like I never cried before. I don't understand why it hurts but only for this time, I let myself go for what I am truly battling inside. Then as sleep is about to take over my exhausted body and heart, a knock on the door jolted me from my reverie.

My spy instincts suddenly kicked in and I grabbed my gun resting on the counter table. I slowly walked towards my door while holding the gun on the door's direction. I peek into the peep hole and immediately calmed myself knowing who it was. I hide the gun into the closet and before I opened the door, I inhaled deeply and thought this is going to be a long day. I unlock and open the door and there before me is Chuck. I acted to be surprised so he wouldn't sense that I was crying and fortunately, he didn't.

"_Can I come in?"_ He asked me. I was a bit in wonder as to his face reaction. No smile. No warm chocolate eyes. No nothing. As if it's void of emotion and then I knew that what I did made him like this. With words I don't know what to say, I just simply replied

"_Uh. Sure."_ As I usher him in.

"_Did I wake you up?_" Chuck asked. Of course he would think that way. My eyes were bloodshot red and I look like a vampire which is the result of crying for minutes I couldn't even remember how long. In order to let him believe. I lied.

"_Kinda. But it's okay I got a pretty good rest a while back". _ I told him while I slowly sat down on my bed just to keep myself into this conversation. I saw him grab a chair and pulled it closer towards me. Now all I can think is to look away but he held my gaze and those eyes be damned. I couldn't read them like I used to read it. I can't see what he's seeing into mine so I slightly shifted my sitting position to the middle.

"_I don't really wanna bother you but we both know why I am here. For this."_ He raised the divorce paper in front of me as if it was a piece of trash that he was about to throw away.

"_I can't, I don't and I won't so keep it"._ He continued while handing the paper back to me.

I hesitantly accepted it and with a sad voice he continued _"I know that I should better hear your side of the story but Sarah, I don't have to because I know where this is going and I'm not going to give up on us._ Chuck ended with determination in his voice. And sensing that he's waiting for my response, I simply replied

"_Chuck, I won't, I don't and I really can't do this anymore. I don't want to hurt you. You are such a great guy and I don't blame you for that but it's just me who is the problem. Me and my memories of us."_ I tried to explain everything in an emotionless tone but my eyes gave way as the tears are starting to fall from it. Luckily, I get to hold myself and just swallowed a lump forming on my throat and realized that this Chuck I'm talking to is different from the Chuck I kissed on the beach months ago.

"_But we don't have to end us. Let us both face this. You and me. Your memories may have been wiped out but mine is still up here (pointing to his head) and especially down here (pointing to his heart)._ He added firmly in a way that I will be able to see how determined he is for us, for me and for him.

With nothing else in my mind to say, I just lowered my gaze on the floor and waited more for whatever heartache or hope he has to say further.

"_Okay, I admit that I've been a little aggressive about you getting your memories and I went all out in every date, every walk on the beach, every movie marathon and every duck hunt moments with you though I always won, thanks to the Intersect"._ He continued in a lighter tone. And as I look back up to him, he grinned about his last statement and I can't help not to smile. I don't know how to react but something inside reminds me of these moments with him. He really is something. Jokes, rambling and everything. Shifting moods from serious to light. Chuck Bartowski is quite special and it took me 564 days to figure out "I love him" but then I do now, _maybe,_ and yet I don't know what to do with it again or yet I don't want to do anything with it again.

His smile suddenly fade away and with a serious look he continued. _"Look, the point is, it was never all normal, only for me but not for you so if you give us a chance, if you give me another chance to trust me again, we will try living the normal you."_

I was a bit confused of how he described the normal life, the normal him and most especially the normal me. So I raised an eyebrow and gave him that questioning look about being normal.

"_The normal me?_ I said in disbelief while lifting my right hand over my chest._"I don't even consider myself normal let alone we live and you try to live with the normal me? I don't know what it means but please do care to elaborate."_

_Here's the thing. Give me one month to change your mind. Give me one month to open yourself to me. Give me one month to allow yourself to live the life we lived before. And since you are a spy, one of the per se, give me one month to live that life together with you. Let's go back to spying, let's do things that makes you comfortable. Let's do things that you feel like you know you want to do. Everything. Quit the CIA and let's continue on our own. Carmichael Industries. The Buy More. Orange Orange. Me the NerdHerd Supervisor and you The Yogurt Girl. Let's keep it that way. Your way, whatever makes you normal. And…"_ He suddenly paused and I felt his breathing deepened. I don't know what he is going to say next but I just hope that this is not something that will all the more scare me away from him. _"you can stay here in your apartment if it feels normal for you"_ And I breathe a sigh of relief. I thought it was going to be something big but it was really something big because even if I feel relaxed keeping my apartment, I saw him slumped his shoulder while telling me to stay here. For heaven's sake how could I be so naïve? I'm his wife and of course we are suppose to share a house, a home, an apartment but it's his normal and not mine so even if I know it hurts him, I'm glad he allowed me to be here while we sort things out. But am I really that satisfied being away from him?

Still unable how to respond on his propositions, I looked away from him and took all in the sight outside the window.

"_You really wanna do this?_ I asked him while still deep in thought and hoping he is sure about this.

"_Uhm."_ I heard him stifle the word on his throat. Then I realized that this is not something about him being sure of us but it's about me being sure of myself to this and when I finally figure it out, I was surprise to know that I wasn't really sure.

"_I'm not sure._ I replied but like any other things in life that's had every turn of second chances I continued _"But I think that you are maybe right. I like your plan and I'm going to trust you again on this."_ I smiled and reverted my gaze into his face. I smiled not because he came up with this. I smiled because for the first time in my life, I sense that I'm doing the right thing of asserting myself that's its worth to trust Chuck Bartowski over again.

"_For all you've been through and all that you said we've been through, I feel like we deserve a month." _I continued then what if this thing won't work between us. What happens then? For him. For us. Especially for me? _"But what happens after one month?_ I asked him with a little uncertainty in my voice _"What if my memories won't come back? _ And thinking that he's going to muse about my question, I was surprised by his answer.

"_I never asked for your memories to comeback but what I asked is to open yourself about me and about us, memories or not. That at the end of one month when it is all over you will realize that I'm that guy. That I'm your Chuck and you could actually fall in love with a nerd like me while living the normal life. The normal you." _ I could have cursed the gods and bring Quinn back from the dead and kill him again after hearing the determination in Chuck's voice. But mostly, his statements had moved my heart. Had moved the one great Sarah Walker. I don't deserve him. He is so much better than I ever thought he was. So much even better for me that I thought I was for him. I'm not out of his league but he is the one out my league and what kind of fate had brought this man into my life? I can't hurt him. I can't let him keep holding onto something we both don't know what the outcome will be after a month.

"_But..what if it doesn't happen in one month? What if I realized that I can't love you or worse I don't love ou? Sorry about…"_

"_Then I will let you go"._ He cut and continued my words for me. This whole conversation is taking its toll on me emotionally and I'm not good with emotions but what he said left me all the more in turmoil inside. Letting me go. Letting her Sarah go. He was so determined earlier but when it comes to me. When it comes to what I desperately want and can't figure out. He knows when to say the right words for me to answer my own much messed up questions. He knows when to accept that when it comes to me, he's enough to love me by letting me go. I know deep within he is struggling because no matter how things have been through these past few months, Chuck had always let me go enough to tell me how much he loved me. And without a doubt that fighting for us, for me, for now, is not something he is used to but maybe after everything I deed and the whole divorce drama, he had enough to not just let me go but had all more than enough to keep us both holding on.

"_Chuck, this isn't easy for me and I know that this is more difficult for you. But why do this? Why, when all is uncertain. Why, when I could end up breaking you. Why, when you can have a life to live normally with someone who deserves you?_ I laid out everything in a much clearer perspective so he can know what he is actually getting himself into. He has to have a reasonable reason for what he is about to do or else I may just hurt him in the end and I don't want to suffer through that or maybe I really don't want to suffer through this.

"_I have to do this because Sarah"_ He paused and pushed himself up to stand and while never leaving his eyes into mine, he firmly added, _"I love you._

He loves me. Yes, I know that. I even feel that. Chuck Bartowski loves me and like a broken record I still don't know what to do with it. It's more worse knowing that loving him is much easier because I can at least do something with it than having him love me unconditionally which I can't do anything about it. I just nodded in reply knowing he is not giving up on us no matter how much I will try push him into believing that this could end all wrong.

"_Hey Sarah, I flashed on a customer yesterday and he's name is Yokuo Bai. He's an American-Japanese steel magnate. But it seems there is more to what he does other than producing steel like arms trafficking and illegal nuclear bomb disposal which I don't even know that the latter means. He had some computer issues so I …anyway...bottom line is." _ He's rambling again. I can't help not to get lost on his antics such as this. I must've really loved this man. Sensing that I noticed it he straightened out his point _"he is going to make a deal tonight with someone whom we need to find out who and we will just have to figure out the rest. I've talked with General Beckman last night and it looks like the CIA is our first client as Carmichael Industries resumes its operation."_

He's really trying to keep that spy mode in him. I can't help not to laugh inside but a mission with him may actually all the more make our whole situation worthwhile.

"_That's a good start. But can we have our mission briefing later because I'm just gonna have to take few naps to get back in full strength?_ I asked him with mix of excitement yet trying to fake the exhaustion in my voice. Because after all that's transpired, I really need to find sometime for myself.

"_Oh yeah, Sorry. I forgot you didn't get much sleep. Just so you know, you can actually sleep tonight. It'll be more of a stakeout but there is one thing I'd like to ask you though?_

"_Yeah, what is it? _ I easily replied sensing his nervousness. Chuck me. Now this is Chuck I'm talking not Charles Carmichael a while ago.

"_I know it's a mission and well, just to start our first day of the "one month", I would like to ask you for the second first time stakeout date?_

A submission while on an actual mission. A real date while on a mission. Not normal I thought. But whatever.

"_Sure. Never had one though maybe we had back then" _I smiled looking at him.

"_Great."_ He clasped his hands in excitement I can tell that he is like a kid in a candy store. _"I'll pick you up later at 6pm so we could just both go to Castle. And if it's not a lot to ask, how would you like to have sizzling shrimp for a "stakeout-dinner date"?_

I don't know if I tasted one. Yes, I did but for a dinner date? That's really weird. This is Chuck and normal or not I don't think this is such a big deal.

"_Hmmm….Sounds good and I think I like it" _I replied beaming at him and I have to almost scold myself for acting like a kid whose about to open her birthday present on her special day. What is with this whole Bartowski charm?

He then said goodbye to me and when he closed the door I let out a breath of relief from the tension I'm hiding deep inside. I don't know what will happen within the next 30 days of my life with Chuck but for one thing I'm sure of. Day one is going to be one hell of an experience as we go try relieve the past being the normal me.

* * *

><p>So what do you think? Sarah's side is really difficult to write but it's worth the effort to try it out. Thanks for reading and we will see what happens next during the stakeout. Please R&amp;R.<p> 


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